“May you always have love to share,
health to spare,
and friends that care.”
Jokes
Arthur Davidson goes to Heaven
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?”
Arthur said, “Yeah, that’s me...”
God commented: “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!”
- There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.
- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
- Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
- The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
“Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours”.
Worth bearing in mind...
This explains why we send jokes to each other...
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”
“This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered.
“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.
“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.”
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
“Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveller asked.
“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.”
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
“Excuse me!” he called to the man. “Do you have any water?”
“Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.”
“How about my friend here?” the traveller gestured to the dog.
“There should be a bowl by the pump.”
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
“What do you call this place?” the traveller asked.
“This is Heaven,” he answered.
“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveller said. “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”
“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.”
“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”
“No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.”
Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain. . . .
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.
Also, to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
a forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
Mugabe’s Chauffeur
Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Robert tells his driver: “Go to da farm over there and explain to the owner of the pig what happen.”
One hour later, Robert sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
“What happen to you?” Mugabe asks.
“Well, the farmer gave me a cigar, his wife gave me a bottle of wine and their 19-year-old daughter made wild passionate love to me.”
“My friend, what did you tell dem?” asked Mugabe.
The driver answered:
“Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe’s chauffeur and I have just killed the pig.”
The Pope
After getting Pope Benedict’s entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
“So bust him,” says the Chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.
The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
Chief: “Governor?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”
Cop: “I think it’s God!”
Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?”
Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!”
If you were around in 1919 (just before Prohibition started) and came upon the following poster.........
I mean seriously, would you quit drinking?
The Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £10.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet shop owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “that’s really not so bad.”
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hello, Keith!”
Accidents Happen
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick-up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick-up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your beloved Ferrari. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labor.
- I work at great depths.
- I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
- I work in a damp environment.
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
- I work in high temperatures.
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight.
- You fall asleep after brief work periods.
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated inorder to start working.
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
- You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
- You will retire well before you are 65.
- You are unable to work double shifts.
- You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
- And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
This is what sad looks like
This is what sorry looks like
Bad spelling
“Privacy, please.”
Loud enough for you?
Bad judgment
Shocking accident
Police hard at work
McBurnt
I’d rather hold it
Pile up
This is going to hurt
Forgot something
“Let me explain”
These will make you smile!
How was your cereal this morning?
How to handle a problem neighbour
The Ass Family
Boy Genius!
Good reason to wear pajamas to bed!!!
Tattoo of the Year
Latest grill accessories: these are a must have!
We all know those cute little computer symbols
called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) a sore arse
{_!_} a swishy arse
(_o_) an arse that's been around
(_x_) kiss my arse
(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse
(_E=mc2_) a smart arse
(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse